Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The useless thoughts

Whenever this thing starts ticking into my head, I am the only one who can stop it but at the same time I will be urging myself not to stop it and so it goes on until I hit the button to stop. Oh, sorry! I forgot to mention what this unstoppable thing is. It’s nothing but the thought of that girl which is been spread in my head like a virus and it can't stop until its dead. I know everything in this world starts with an idea and I am the one who will be responsible for the generation, creation of the idea in my head so technically it totally depends on me that I should work out that idea or to just keep it my head as a thought for my whole damn life! (That’s what I usually prefer)
I have already shared my past with you and you must have noticed that I’ve been through this thought process several times. But at present condition when I look back and think about it, it seems totally natural that I digested my earlier failures because I was not completely aware of what I was going through or maybe I was not in any mood to take responsibility of any person other than me. But at this stage I am more matured than before. And the things which I avoided earlier are now hard, very hard to avoid and it’s the time where I need to see the whole picture and maximize the perception. Nobody can runaway… I wasted my precious time in waiting for the perfect moment and here I am standing with handful of nothing… Sometimes I feel like my life is so empty and I am trying to fill it up with my memories. They say that we cannot go through the same time again and again although it’s true but we can go through the same situation many times, in my sense this happens because somewhere in that past we skip something which comes around once again…
Sometimes I think that, maybe I’ve enjoyed my loneliness so much that I can’t see that it’s not good for me at all. Here comes a great dilemma of what is the right choice. I’ve been struggling this thing for many years and my search is still going on. I can’t find the peace in my mind it always runs like a railway engine; actually it’s not the problem that it races like engine but it is about the direction, my mind has no direction for example this text I am typing is completely useless but yet it is coming out of my mind.
When I look at the past, sometimes I think that… sagla kahi jhalaasta jar mi thoda dhir dharla asta, thodi himmat dakhavali asti,etc. but the thing is I am now far away from that girl and she doesn’t even know that there was a guy who thought about her restlessly… the thought of not letting her know about my feelings (for her) will haunt me for my life. I will always remember her as if she was a dream of life…
Now I am completely changed. I have many things to do… I have many things to enjoy and I have got many friends to share the joy… I will dream on… I will live on.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

So Far.. So Alone...

                      Hoping that you still remember my last blog I am continuing the story now... 
By the time I was suppose to have the flavor (feel) like the guy who lost his love long way before he could do anything, but fortunately I was not in that zone but yet I had a soft corner for those guys and sometimes I had the same feeling too. The time passed so quickly that I had nothing left to think but do the thing I was doing... living the life... Okay now as the life is introduced in here, I should elaborate something about it too. I have had a very very very plain and simple life until now. Sometimes I think that its the only great thing I have done which is not so great :) now the place where I belong is so larger than life and I so happy to live my life again. I think I am taking a long turn here, let me get back to the topic.
                      So it was the time of the high school and again I was excited as I was going to see many new faces and again that genes of mine which will never rest were popping to search for the soul mate in my school mate (now college mate). I forcefully decided not to lose focus from the studies and I selected subjects which will make me a very intelligent looking person and subsequently it will lead to the five figure salary job. Now you might make a plot in your mind which sounds perfectly predictable about what I will talk in next few lines when it comes to describing the first day at college and I have to agree that you're quite right (please don't tell me what you imagined). 

Monday, June 9, 2014

The longest yard…

So here I am again! In the last post I just talked about how I was looking at girls and what my basic thinking was. I was never same when I joined for the college. The college I imagined was something like Karan Johar’s films; like guys are playing basketball on the court meanwhile they’re trying to flirt the girls, etc. etc. but, what I saw was totally different and was much cozier for me in  the sense I was not the guy hoping for the filmy college. Then next thing I loved about college was that we can bunk lectures, I mean we can attend lectures at our own decision. There was some kind of freedom I was breathing. As you know here also my genes followed me and I was sure about it that I will be doing that old thing here too! Yes, tracking down a girl who can be a perfect companion. My conditions were so simple and the college was filled with lots of beautiful girls… So I was confused in a way about how to deal with this issue. Because I was so excited to have such beauties around; I wanted the perfect one for me. My feelings may sound strange but I was helpless… I kept looking for a nice face.
I still remember perfectly the initial days in college. I took very different subjects than my school mates and so we’re hardly together. Obviously I was in need of new friends. But I never try to make someone my friend because it’ll be done intentionally which means that I will be fine with him/her as long as he satisfies my terms and conditions. Hence I never ever try to look out for someone and try to think if we can be good friends (look I was having this logic in my mind for making friends only). So, I found many of them, I was never been such happy; to have a friends circle in college is basic need because your friends will help you push forward. Everything was going so good until one day. When I met a friend who was going to change my entire life. Yes, my entire life, as I concerned. He was one of kind (he still is). He was the only one person who caught me doing my “genetic” job; yes, looking for life companion and all. So, he decided to help me out of this situation. At first, I found this bit uneasy because it was my private thing but when it comes to friend the privacy settings are just fired up!
Then there was nothing no more secret about me. He talked many things. We shared a lot of thoughts; he also told me that he don’t like this love thing, which I found interested. Because I was also not looking for love but the perfect companion! (See there’s a little contradiction between my ideas) Actually it’s not like I was not concerned about love, but I considered it as a further part.
Okay, so one day this friend of mine just observed that I started to like a girl and she was from our class. We shared only two lectures in common.  But she just stroked my head in right angle. One thing she was perfect fit for me as she was fulfilling all the required conditions. But you know what this time condition was different; for the first time I was feeling like this and I was not sure about how to handle it. Obviously my friend noticed it and he urged me to go ahead and face this whole new thing, he was the first one who told me the fact that I am in love. But for God swear I was not in love with that girl. My friend completely washed my brain only one clue he got. It was when I talked about that girl more than once. Yes I liked her but doesn’t mean I loved her. But my friend has got some special powers to convince people so he succeeded in convincing me that I am madly in love with her.

Now the chapter of madness! There was no limit in doing mad things and thinking. In few days she was all over my head and I could barely think about anything, she hacked into my mind and she was everywhere. I still remember that how my face got a pure smile if only a red pleasure (Hero Honda bike) passed by me I will consider as if she passed by me and that wind-blown by that bike felt like as if she’s touching me. I tried to get her off my mind but it was getting harder with the time. Just a glimpse of her beauty will helped me survive any trouble I was feeling so good, like never before. I was on the verge of major emotional change but didn’t cared about it. As I was feeling great with this thing going I wished that this shall never end. I was not willing to go further I was hoping that everything should run like this only. But my friend, he was pushing me to go forward. Then I responded him positively because that time I was under the spell of that special magic. Then we started spending time in planning how to initiate the talking with imaginary diva of mine. I placed her so higher in my mind that I could never reach to her. If I sit and start to share how many plans I and my friend made just to say her “hi” you will feel pity on me. Then suddenly I realized that soon all this going to end if I don’t take any action. As the HSC board exam was coming closer which was the end of our junior college days and we’ll be heading to our own destination in different direction. Then I started following her, but never let her notice it. No matter how bad I tried I was unable to make up my mind to go and talk to her. I failed seriously. It was very much hard for me to digest but this is how it ended. Then I declared a blackout till today, that I will never ever try to see her, but as you may know man can never forget his first love… so it lives.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Yes I tried to find love...

Once my friend asked me "tell me about your love story..." I was glad that he thought that I must have a love affair. Even the consideration of my love story makes me blushing. But the time was like I must share something which is been with me ever since I know it. I decided to share my secret love story with my friend which was never happened... Though the love was there in my story but it was one sided...

So, let me tell you one thing this story may leave you thinking about me or you may just laugh out and will forget about it soon. Whatever! Let’s hear the story...

I was in fourth standard, I still remember, I was working on the most important topic of any "hero's" life ( I always considered myself as hero of my picture) so the important topic is LOVE-STORY!!! Yes! I always searched for the best suited face for my story since my childhood; so we're in my fourth std.. There was a girl in my class, she always scored higher than the other class so she checked my first criteria of being my heroine that - she must be intelligent. Then next thing I looked for she must be beautiful well she also checked this condition without any problem. It was may be because I always looked first for the intelligence which lead me to considerate that all intelligent girls are beautiful and vice versa. So, that girl was on my hit list. Now it was my duty to impress her with my attitude, doings and doing whatever I can to make her mine. But my love stories never been that way. I watched that girl throughout the year and kept observing (matter of fact I was observing her till the past year). I was supposed to express my feelings to her or at least I was supposed to make her know that I was also studying in her class. But I did nothing but observed until we separated... Yes we separated because the school we're studying was caught in act and was closed forever. I was not happy with leaving that school because I just found my "first" love and I didn't do anything yet. I was always afraid of going further in my love story because I didn't know how to dance, sing, whistle and all those things every lover will do for his love. So, I always kept my feet back.

Now, this type of love stories happened to me in every class. I always used the same method to find my "love" (the intelligent girl = beautiful and vice versa thing). As you can guess this logic could never helped me in finding my true love. In fact, nothing could help me unless I commit my love to someone I love but it was the impossible thing for me at that time (actually it’s still hard thing for me, I said hard thing instead of impossible because now I have the courage to commit my love but now its hard that’s all!) 

But I was missing the basic point that we may search for our desired partner but we'll fall in love with someone without intentions. I mean you all know the love philosophy from the movies. 

Somehow, after the school when I went to college. Something very different happened to, something which I never ever thought of... What was it?? Will tell you in next post. Till then, Thanks!

Rajkiran R.